Alan Fadling: Notes from my Unhurried Journey

The other day, I shared an excerpt from Gerald May’s Care of Mind/Care of Spirit. His insights into parenting as a graced process, into the spiritual trap of equating thinking with living, as well as our tendency to redirect our hunger for God into lesser passions have been very helpful to me. Perhaps you’ll find them helpful as well.

“I doubt there is much we can do to prevent distortions of God-images and self-images in our children. My personal sense, though, is that some of these distortions might be minimized if we could look upon the growth of our children a little more as a graced process of the Spirit’s work within them and a little less as the product of our own manipulations of them. (Gerald G. May. Care of Mind/Care of Spirit. San Francisco: HarperCollins Publishers, 1982, 1992, p. 76)

I tend to over-emphasize the centrality of my role in my sons’ lives. This isn’t an excuse for uninvolvement, but an acknowledgement that God Himself is central in their formation. It is God’s work into which He has invited me. Father, free me from my tendencies to manipulate or coerce them in directions I believe they need to move. Make me a wise and attentive spiritual mentor in their lives as they grow up.

“Intellectualization often takes the form of talking about spirituality as a way of avoiding spiritual experience. Thus, one may spend hours in spiritual direction or other settings seeking to refine one’s understanding and comprehension of that which is fundamentally incomprehensible. All the while, it is possible to remain convinced that one is seriously searching, but this kind of search avoids the heart by limiting itself to the mind. This defense is especially difficult to deal with in spiritual direction as it can easily seduce the director into joining the discourse, especially if the topic is intriguing enough. It is in this way that some spiritual direction deteriorates into ‘spiritual conversation.’” (May. p. 87-88)

I recognize, Father, that sometimes this journal is an exercise in intellectualization. I find myself thinking that if I am writing about spiritual things that I’m actually experiencing them. This is not always true. Grant me freedom to love with my mind, not just evaluate or review You in my mind. Free me from trying to control You by seeking to comprehend You. Ultimately, I can only know what You reveal of Yourself to me. I cannot go beyond this with my weak human mind.

In some spiritual direction, both received and given, we have had conversations about spiritual themes, but our hearts were unable or unwilling to enter into the interactive relationship. Protect me, Father, from the kind of talking about God that replaces talking with You.

“Displacement may well be the most common spiritual defense of our times. Here we seek to assuage our spiritual hunger through some physical, mental, or interpersonal activity that is not as threatening. Thus, we might seek to fill the void in our hearts by drinking, overeating, or taking drugs. Or we may seek meaning through hard work, intense relationships, or powerful conquests rather than through the more self-abandoning paths of spiritual growth. (May, p. 88)

I what ways am I learning to direct my hungers towards God Himself? In what ways am I misdirecting my hungers away from him into other activities? Do I seek to experience fulfillment of my longings for God by eating, or seeking to control my environment through organizing and making lists, or through amusements.

Teach me to continue to walk on the self-abandoning paths onto which You are leading me. I am resistant. Please draw my heart to respond to Your love, rather than defy it.