Friday, I led a small group in a Come Away day retreat at the Immaculate Heart Retreat (near downtown L.A. and Griffith Park). The rainy day made for more of a sense of enclosure with the Lord than usual. I spent some of my solitude time reviewing some practical Christian counsel from Henri de Tourville, a famous 19th century French spiritual director, on the difference between trying to overcome faults by focusing on them and overcoming faults by focusing on our Lord:
“From every point of view we gain infinitely more by looking at our Lord than by looking at ourselves. We shake off our faults more quickly and effectively when we adore our Lord than when we examine and criticize ourselves. On the human plane this is obvious, for we gain more by watching great and noble souls, than by shutting ourselves up in our own dreary dullness. We learn more and get more help from their simple vision than from all our own reasoning.” (Abbé Henri de Tourville. Letters of Direction. Harrisburg: Morehouse Publishing, 1939, 2001, p. 58.)
As I journey through places of emotional healing and honesty, I can see how depression, anxiety, shortcomings, or fear tempt me to focus attention on my strong feelings rather than on the Lord Who is my hope, my peace, my Redeemer and Protector. When I’m tempted to focus on my performance, whether proudly on my perceived successes or timidly on my felt failures, God is inviting me instead to gaze on Him and see His continually good work in, around and even through me. He doesn’t want me preoccupied with my ideas about Him at the expense of failing to gaze upon Him.
Prayer, whatever shape it takes at this point in my journey, is becoming a simple directing of my attention always to God. Whether this happens in silence, in meditative reading of scripture, in community or in the midst of many other practices, a God-focused life is better than an improvement-focused life. Self-examination happens best in the light of noticing God and inviting the light of His Spirit to shine. Focusing on my failure leaves failure as my primary life vision. Instead, I can gaze on the Lord from the place of all my imperfections, failures and lapses and be transformed in such contemplation.
The focus of my Christian life is God Himself rather than what I do for God (or don’t) or how I live for God (or don’t).
“The soul gains very little from looking at itself. Such an occupation gives rise only to discouragement, preoccupation, distress, uncertainty, and illusion. Looking at our Lord, on the contrary, does us good and we are gradually transfigured by His personality and by the spirit of imitation.” (Henri de Tourville, p. 59.)
What do I need that I cannot find in who Christ is and what He Himself provides from His own hands?
[...] “Eyes Off Myself” (2/8/09) – here he talks about our tendency to focus on ourselves in relationship with God, rather than on God in relationship with us. Subtle and wise counsel. [...]